Thursday, September 11, 2014

It's funny how Life works out

This is going to be a long one. Remember that life update I promised you? Well here it is. I've sat down multiple times and tried to write it all out but it just never felt like the right time. These last few months have been a crazy whirlwind that have been filled with some of my highest highs and lowest lows. It has been months that have been riddled with excuses, some horrible binge shopping, dark sleepless nights, but ultimately I found myself in a happy place that for once in my life I established on my own instead of relying on others. To really get the full picture of things we will need to rewind and and walk through my life starting with August 2013. There is some backstory that needs to be laid down to really understand how much this summer has meant to me.

Really we need to go back to after college for me, I moved home June 2012 with no clue what I wanted to do with my life. All I've ever known was school and now that that was done (since I decided against pursuing a law career despite taking the LSATs) I just felt lost. Between then until August 2013 I held a series of short contractor jobs and internships, spent my weekends with my friends, and also fell in love. 

In August I found myself between jobs but I had the crazy idea of returning to school to pursue a Master's degree in something completely different from my Bachelor degree so I set my sights on a few classes at community college to figure out if this was a subject I could do well in. School didn't start until end of September and around mid August I was contacted by an old co-worker who upon hearing I was unemployed urged me to come in for an interview at a growing startup she recently joined. Despite my unfamiliarity with the industry, and hesitant about the actual role, I went in anyways and within a few days decided to accept an offer to work there. It was difficult to believe in the product and ultimately I did not stay there long and even after I left I was continually harassed by the CEO because they conducted my off-boarding process incorrectly. Long story short, this left a bad taste in my mouth from the experience and some nasty things were said and ultimately made me feel very bad about myself. This triggered months of depression that would come and go, coupled with persistent problems that started with my boyfriend at the time two months after this, it was a hard time for me.

Thankfully this blip still allowed me to go back to my original plan of school and I spent Fall of 2013 feeling a little silly in classrooms full of fresh high school graduates and middle aged workers trying to get a competitive edge in the unemployment game. Again you can see how this did not help with my self-worth issues and budding depression. It just led to a lot of, what are you doing with your life? Thoughts and I was constantly comparing myself to my friends who were all happy and independent in careers. Fun fact, that is actually the time I started up this blog because I needed an outlet to work with and keep me happy. It was exhausting to hide all these negative thoughts and emotions and to this day there is not a single person who really knows the full depth of where I was a year ago. I was careful to spread out my pain so not one person was privy to everything that was going on. I got really good at lying and faking smiles. The only thing I found that really helped was my writing sessions where I got to pour out all my love for the topics I chose into something that I started and grew on my own. In December I found myself a new job doing mindless work for pennies but it was something to do because again I decided that my "new" life plan wasn't right and at this point I just needed something to fill out my days. 
Enter 2014, at this point I had really dug myself into a dark hole. I closed myself off to everyone and attached myself exclusively to my boyfriend, mistakenly viewing him as my only source of happiness. It got to the point where I stopped seeing my friends and even stopped talking to most of them. I don't want to be that girl that puts so much blame on a relationship but it truly was a toxic one, but this post isn't about him and I, it's just about me so we will just pass over that.

May 2014 marks one of the darkest points in my life, and definitely the lowest low in this story. For months now my boyfriend and I had been tiptoeing around each other, I was holding onto a figment of our relationship that I could see he had already let go of a long time ago. We broke up. No warning, no attempts to salvage it, we were just done. This lead to more issues with my self-worth and mass confusion, pairing it with some really rough times at work, I was an emotional wreck. That's when I started believing I would be alone forever, I've spent so long loving him the thought that he could so easily cast his love aside broke my ideals of a relationship. Of course misery loves company. A week after this happened and I was starting to come to terms with the situation and accept it I received the news that one of my friends had been killed. No, we're not done there though. Three of them, my sorority sisters, had been shot and two of them did not make it. Right then my world just crumbled because there is no way that so much pain and hurt could happen.

I found myself trapped in darkness, I was confused because I couldn't figure out where the numbness was coming from. Strangely enough I couldn't cry. Nothing made sense anymore and it got to the point where I just had to tell myself to stop trying to understand it all and to just live.

It feels wrong and selfish to admit it, but in the weeks that followed, I found myself growing into the person that I needed to be. The way I reacted to these events and feeling the love and support from friends and strangers alike, that was when I realized I am not worthless and I am exactly where I should be right now.
So remember that for now job I started in December? Two weeks ago I accepted the offer they made me to come on full-time and I'm pleased to announce I am working hard for a product I believe in with coworkers that have me looking forward to Mondays. Remember forever alone? I met someone who is different enough to keep it interesting, but we are at the same point in life with a similar drive and end goal. I can confidently say that I'm ending summer the happiest I have been and I feel like I am finally on the right track of where I want to be in life. I can see a clear future and the endless possibilities that I understand now that I can be happy about all by myself.

I hope that clears it up a little why my blog sort of went downhill for a bit during the summer. I was preoccupied and constantly on the move. More importantly, embracing my youth and being grateful for exactly where I am in life.

23 is much too young to know what I want, nor is there anywhere that I should be at this age. Realistically I don't think there is any age in which x and y should have happened and if it didn't, you are "off track" or "behind". I'm not saying don't have a life plan, I'm just saying don't beat yourself up if your experiences don't match up with everyone's expectations.  This may be a cliche but I feel it's most appropriate to end this post with one of my all-time favorite quotes which is basically the guidebook to my life. I firmly believe in everything that is said and it helps me to come to peace and embrace all the bumps in my life.

"I believe that everything happens for a reason.
People change so that you can learn to let go.
Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right.
You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself.
And sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."
Marilyn Monroe

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