Thursday, July 2, 2015

What lies within us

I've struggled with something for awhile and it's not a new feeling whatsoever but it's been going on long enough that I just need to do something to alleviate it. It's a little different this time because there's always been a clear reason why I've gotten this feeling whether it was not getting in my dream school, or the frustration of long term plans not going smoothly, or even more recently the inability to figure out whether I'm "on track" or not. No, honestly, I cannot pinpoint anything in my life right now, if anything everything is going better than I could ever dream but for about three weeks now I've found myself fluctuating between a constant state of normal and low, and for once I feel at a loss of what to do.

This isn't a desperate plea for attention, I don't want people to sympathize or try and help me, but I've discovered before that writing this blog has been therapeutic, I've said time and time again it was almost for a therapy reason that this blog was even started. I'm just here today to try and put into words what I'm feeling in hopes that it can help me understand and move forward, as well as remain a reminder of what was going on at the time.

I never want to use the big "D" word when it comes to how I'm feeling because no matter how bad it's get I still believe that I can pull myself out of it and I've always been able to, and that is something I truly believe will never change. My love for my life and the people in it is much stronger than any sort of problem I believe to have so I always view these times in my life as speed bumps. They are necessary reminders to be grateful of what I have and indicators that I need to slow down and reevaluate my life because my gut knows that something is not quite right. These times in my life are marked by long periods of dissatisfaction and feeling unsettled. I can go days without a genuine smile and just feel so exhausted and downtrodden. I'm not one to succumb to the sadness and stay in bed, that's only ever happened once, instead I force myself through the motions of my daily routine but I won't lie, the best part of the day is when I can get into bed and lose myself in my favorite movies until I finally fall asleep. I'm proud to say that I am at least a highly functioning zombie and rarely do people catch on that something is wrong because it's easy for me to blame my insomnia on any lethargy they seem to notice, and typically I like it that way. Saying that I'm proud may seem strange and off-putting to many, but I don't care, I am proud because I stand behind my feelings 100% of the time and I won't let anyone tell me that it is wrong to feel a certain way because it is unusual.
I like to hide how I'm feeling because it's easy for other people to tell you to just snap out of it, to smile and just be positive, and I want to really badly but I just feel mentally exhausted and I'm just sick of defending my feelings. If I'm sad or feeling down, why can't I just feel down? Why can't I just vent and complain about things without having someone to try spin it into a positive at the end of it? I just want to feel sad and defeated because right now that's what I need and I just need people to understand that and let me be. Don't get me wrong, I do understand the value of positive thinking but at the same time I'm realistic in that people can't possibly always be upbeat and optimistic. Sometimes you get kicked down and sometimes you just feel down for no reason at all and I just want say that it's okay.

I don't want people to understand or sympathize with how I'm feeling, I just want to be free to feel the way I want to feel and for people to just accept that. Sometimes you just need to feel alone because when you are alone that's when you're able to connect with yourself again. At least for me, I always need to pull the strength from myself to keep going and sometimes that is just something no one can help you with. I guess I don't really know what I'm trying to say here except that it's okay to feel alone but know that being alone is sometimes the best thing that could happen because that is where you will find your greatest strength to thrive. It's okay to not be bright and happy all the time because that is just not realistic, it's important to always express how you feel instead of just holding it in. And most importantly, you need to know yourself and do what is best for you. With that being said, mental health is nothing to joke about so what works for me might not necessarily work for you. I draw the line of closing yourself off at when you ever have any thoughts of suicide or hurting yourself, I beg that you stop and think about it and reach out to anyone at all. Stay strong and know that you're loved.

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